Contradictions

You utter

that four letter

word while your hand

is wrapped around her waist.

Why I still think about your taste

I’ll never understand.

you keep saying I’m yours

but our distance tells me otherwise.

So why do I act surprised

when the excuses arrive again?

I keep trying to shut my door

knowing you’ll sneak back in.

But I’ll wake up with the sunrise

and count the spiders under my bed,

battling contradictions in my head.

You’ll contact me in the afternoon

and pretend you’ll visit very soon,

then you’ll repeat your signature phrase:

“I love you.”

But I know you don’t meant it, as always.

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Damaged Dreams

I have had this recurring dream

It has plagued me since fourteen.

In it, all I hear are my mother’s screams

Some things are better left unseen.

She’s begging me to look away

Trying to keep me innocent

Just for one more day,

But I can smell the scent

Of smoke, blood and gasoline

I feel like I’m in a movie scene.

I keep staring straight at the rubble

Of the building facing our own,

Hoping we’re safe in our little bubble,

Praying the jets will leave us alone.

The dream doesn’t really have an ending:

just an image of my inner child fading.

Lately, I’ve been having a different dream

Where I’m staring into a machine

at little blue thumb-ups on a screen.

There’s a video of a politician

Saying exactly what he means

The world is green, the air is clean.

He preaches love, kindness and serenity

And all of Earth’s beings enjoy prosperity.

I wake up from my hallucinations

To missiles, gun fights, executions

Humans will want what they do not need

They are but victims of their own greed.

Now that I am finally awake,

I understand what is at stake

The blue fingers point to a virtual sky

I wave to the little girl in my dream: goodbye.

Daydreams

Daydreaming about your lips

Devouring mine

Hands pressed on my hips

Your scent, divine…

My body jolts,

I am awake

The thunderbolts

Of yesterday still striking me.

I want to replace every memory

Of past heartbreak

With your kiss, your smile

And how you make

The pain fade for a while.

No longer confined

To the chains that shackled me before.

You’ve freed my mind;

I don’t daydream about him anymore.

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High

Every time you leave

I come down.

You hit me

like a line 

of cocaine

straight

to the brain.

Chocolate-stained

lips tracing circles

around my tongue;

but the taste turns bitter

when you’re gone.

 

I can’t stop thinking about

whether you’re thinking about me

driving away in the rain,

you have known such pain.

You tell me love is a lie

why can’t we just get high?

 

Soft fingers crawling across

My fiending body

Breaths intermixing

in the warmth of my bedsheets

I close my eyes

To salvage the feeling,

safekeeping

the memory

for tomorrow.

Because I know

when you set your

foot out the door

I’ll crave you even more.

You’ll say goodbye,

your hazel eyes

reflecting the sunlight

And I’ll heave a sigh

knowing that by tonight

your effect will disappear

and I will be left here

back in reality

with nothing 

but the daydreams

of you telling me

True love is a lie;

So, come on by

Let’s just get high.

 

 

 

 

Shower Thoughts

Late nights, when I am in the shower

I allow my thoughts to wander

Your face returns, my heart surrenders

To your expression at our last encounter.

The one whose eyes enslaved me many moons ago

The hurt within them buried beneath their glow.

You carried me during the darkest days

but even you could not bear the weight.

the chains grew loose from your unperturbed gaze

By the time you noticed, it was too late…

The tears intermingle with water;

when I fled, you did not falter.

 

Our ending need not be explained.

Love lost is but wisdom gained.

 

 

 

Healing

She told me I didn’t need makeup;

Little did she know

All he ever used to tell me was

How I would never put enough on,

That I could not be feminine

Without a layer of suffocation.

And just for that moment,

I embraced my flawed skin,

Rough, but real.

She made me feel

Like I was worth loving again.